Internalized.

What a week and it’s only Thursday.

Starting with the Meghan Markle interview and with that all types of people coming out the woodwork including people legitimately questioning mental health issues. What society are we living in when an issue as delicate as this has people calling you ‘attention seeking’ and questioning whether you are actually telling the truth, asking people to ‘prove it’. Do you know how damaging a statement that is?

This interview itself bought out lots of other issues, ones in which racism came to the forefront again and an instance in which a presenter said the words ‘casual racism’. Enlighten me please and tell me in what way racism can ever be said casually..

I saw this post on Clara Amfo’s Instagram and it triggered a memory in me that I had probably buried or tried to forget and just never told anyone. I think I was about 15 and a boy in school I really liked was telling me about the comments his friends were making me about what would happen if we slept together

“If you did it in the dark or under the covers, you wouldn’t be able to see anything but her teeth“

I had practically forgotten this comment only remembering it at random times but seeing this post really triggered something in me. I remember at the time it stung but I just laughed it off

If this isn’t the story of my life, what is..

Fast forward to receiving a message like this off someone I basically don’t know.. like I’m some ‘other’ type of experience. Reflecting now both of these experiences have probably deep down affected a part of my life that I haven’t really even realised and that comment is just one of so many I have received and still do to this day.

Then the past day or two seeing the Sarah Everard case come to light, I barely have the words. For all us girls I feel sick, heartbroken and scared. Most girls if not all have an experience of being made to feel uncomfortable, harassed, touched or even followed. I wouldn’t dare go out on my own at night, and only ever when I lived in Wales walked home alone, even then still feeling slightly on edge. This isn’t a women’s problem, it’s a male issue (‘not all men’ brigade please leave why are you making it about you). They are the one’s who can’t control themselves, as women we do all we can and yet still it happens. Instead of women being taught to protect ourselves, men should be educated. It’s not women’s behaviour that has to change.

When did society get so toxic, that we can’t even feel safe doing something as simple as walking home. All the things women do – walk in well lit areas, take your headphones out etc. these are all calculated and done out of fear and seeing the trauma of other women play out.

And to think it was International Women’s Day at the beginning of the week.

This shit is heart wrenching and exhausting.

The C Word

The C Word… in 2020, which one is it? 

I’m not writing a post about the new C word in the vocabulary coronavirus instead I’m going to talk about the other dreaded C word..

Cancer.

Most of us will know someone personally who has been affected by this dreadful disease that robs so many peoples lives, both old and young. 
This is a word that personally for me, I think I used to be scared of. Just the word itself still gives me a little fear and a lump in the throat feeling. So now, for a little story time of my journey with this word…

It was mid-lockdown (the worst time for this to happen) and I was about to go sleep one night and discovered a lump (between my breast and armpit).. I immediately go onto google aka the worst thing I could do and of course the one thing that comes up as the answer to anything is.. Cancer. Of course the only thing going round my head was lump = cancer. I jumped to conclusions in my head and was nearly in tears at the thought. Due to being in lockdown, seeing a doctor was extremely difficult, so I did all the online consultations which took time.

I feel like I spent every other minute of my time just feeling this lump on my body and started to examine past pictures of myself, wondering how long I had been living with it. Every time I went past a mirror I couldn’t help but just stare at it and let my eyes fill with tears. At this time the only people who knew were my mum and sister as I couldn’t bare to keep talking about what could be cancer. Relating that word to myself was just something I could not do or accept.

As I could not physically go into the doctors yet, I was waiting for them to refer me to a specialist but as time went on and I lived with this lump, I slowly began to think if it is cancer, what can I do? I have the lump now and I can’t do anything about it. I psyched myself up in my head to whatever will be, will be. If it is what I dread and am scared of, I will face it head on and get through it. 

When we were starting to come out of lockdown, my referral finally came but when I saw it was to a place called The Nightingale Centre which is a specialist breast cancer prevention centre, I immediately panicked and got scared.. 

“Do they think I have breast cancer?”

In the lead up to my appointment, I had a lump in my throat the whole time and it was only then that I could accept the C word and realised, if I do or don’t have cancer, I will handle it when the time comes. The day of my appointment was beautiful and sunny, and I was so anxious as I sat in the Uber on my way there. The Nightingale is a lovely centre in Manchester and I sat there alone surrounded by signs and posters all about breast cancer, getting ready for someone to tell me something that could ultimately change my life. I don’t know if it comforted me or what, that there was many other women there of all ages in similar positions to myself.

After being there for about an hour having scans, ultrasounds the lot. I got told that I did not have cancer but it was a lump that was nothing to be worried about at all. When they told me, I immediately welled up with tears. I feel I already prepared myself in my head to be told bad news. I rung my mum straight afterwards to tell her nearly in tears and she was so relieved. I travelled home with a new gratitude and enjoyed a drink outside feeling so thankful for life, that my day could have gone completely differently. 

My message through this cancer scare is whatever the lump no matter how big or small – GET IT CHECKED, don’t leave it and hope the problem will go away. Check your bodies in the shower or whenever ladies and lads.

Have a good feel!!
X

Black people are human and our lives matter

Been debating for days whether to write a post on this but I decided too, as it’s my way of getting everything out.

With everything that 2020 has chucked at us, I’m not surprised racism and subsequent protests have come back into the mix. People are angry and upset and rightly so, everything going on right now, has been going on for SO LONG and dates back years, just with social media we can clearly see it happening now and there is no escape from what is happening in the world. The death of George Floyd just started the boil on a pot that has been on fire for so long.

Black people face racism and injustices day in, day out and have been for centuries it’s just disguised in a covert way – and this isn’t an America problem its a UK and world problem. Racial inequalities happen everyday in the most subtle way – you may not get a job or be allowed in a club due to the colour of your skin and someone else’s privilege. But we are tired of fighting this fight..

All the feels are okay

So today I woke up feeling  in such a CBA mood and for the first time during this lockdown I felt bored and I just lay in bed for most of my morning being lazy. When I’m in these moods I feel so unmotivated and I just literally don’t want to do anything. I eventually dragged myself out of bed and after a good shower and listening to Maya Jama on the radio (instant mood lifter) I felt so much better and finally ready for another day of this.

I just wanted to say, that feeling all these different emotions is okay – we’re all living in such an uncertain time and life is just up in the air at the moment so it’s perfectly normal to be having good and bad days.

It might not be your day and that’s fine

Things that help me are:

1. Music no. 1 always, it really has the power to change my mood
2. Talking to my lovely friends and fam
3. The sun (who knows how long it will last)
4. Good food – snacking still out of control – currently making a soup full of all the good greens, trying to stay healthy
5. Podcasts, currently love listening to them!!
6. Reading
7. Taking time to watch my favourite t.v.
8. Daily gratitude lists which really help me reflect on the day

Plus-side, this week I finished my final university essay.. and currently feeling more motivated (than ever) to do a Masters but definitely won’t do it for a few years, need a uni break for sure!

All the feels are normal, just take the time to embrace them and keep going & stay positive.

Hope you’re all enjoying the sun but staying inside, and eat all the chocolate this weekend! X

Welcome back.. to Lockdown Life

Hey to anyone whose reading this,

I have not written a post on here for about 3 years and I miss blogging, so I thought what would be a better time to start writing again than being on lockdown so I am back!

Since I last wrote on here a few years ago, my life hasn’t changed too much..
I am somehow still at uni 5 years later – one failed year of Journalism, an English degree and finally a PGCE – so close to the university journey finishing, I moved to England (forever missing Pembrokeshire/Wales), met some lovely new friends and spent even much more needed time with the best family and friends. 

I am currently midway through my year as a PGCE student specialising in Early Years – yes, I finally decided on a career path – and I recently began my second placement in a Year 1 class, fast forward 2 weeks later and currently on lockdown.. did not picture that this is how I would be spending the second half of my year as a trainee teacher – not being at university anymore, no longer being on placement and not even being in Bristol. I don’t think anyone pictured the first few months of 2020 going the way it is.

Life is truly mad right now.

For my Mum

My mum is one of my biggest inspirations and one of the people I strive to do well in my life for.

She is one of the strongest people I know, no matter what life throws at her. The last few years have given her a hard time but she always remains positive and has a smile on her face, only ever wanting the best for her children and coming out a better person. Even though I really really don’t want my house to sell and move out of Wales, I hope for her sake and her happiness that it does soon.

I know that in my life she’ll be there for me always whether it’s a good or a bad situation and I’ll always be so appreciative and thankful for that. I am so lucky that I have her as one of my biggest supporters. She will always support my decisions in life and stick by me. I see her as someone I can count on for anything whether it’s making me toasties when I finish work or being my personal taxi (should really learn to drive). She’s definitely my friend as well as my mummy.

Even though she winds me up at times, I would be so lost without her, I will never be able to thank her enough for everything she does for me & how much she looks after me.

I actually think I’ve nearly convinced her we should get a puppy this summer aswell and if that happens (fingers crossed!!) then best mum ever x1000.

2017 so far..

2017 has been alright too me so far! Nothing particularly interesting has happened yet (my life is pretty boring lol), nearly finished a second term of first year, again! This uni year has gone so fast, needs to slow down but at the same time I can’t wait to go home in 3 weeks to celebrate my sisters birthday and just relax! Or, maybe actually revise for my exams..  Miss my family/home, and a break is becoming essential – I’m gettinng sick of food shopping and I need to try snap out of my very bad napping habit.

Only 3 months into this year but I’m already thankful for some people. I’m glad I have people in my life that will be there no matter how crazy or annoying I am (I can get seriously annoying at times)! Learning that in life there is people who feel like they can pop back into your life when they feel like it but unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that!

I am excited too see what the rest of the year brings, I already cannot wait for summer – need to get another job though – and it looks like I’ll be able to spend another summer in Pembrokeshire aswell which is ideal! For now, I am a poor student (highly anticipating the next loan), and forever having too much reading to do but always leaving everything to the last minute!

Cannot wait to be reunited and have meals cooked for me by my fav

My reading week!

Well, this past week I had the pleasure of making that 6 hour train journey back to Wales.. Normally I don’t mind a train journey if it’s about 3/4 hours but 6 is just a trek especially when I have to change at least 2 or 3 times! But it was all made better by the fact I was taken to McDonalds when I got back 😀

Me, Jane & Rochelle!

My sister and cousin came down for a night so it was lovely too see them and actually go out for dinner (Kookaba of course) to eat an actual decent meal then I also got to see my best friends from home as they were back that same weekend!

Apart from that night I literally didn’t do anything! I watched Made In Chelsea quite a lot can’t lie. It was just too relaxing being back at home – a warm home for that matter and having meals cooked for me was just bliss! So, I actually spent the whole time eating, relaxing, lazing around and going to the beach.

I love the beach too much.. Although Bournemouth is by the beach, it’s just not the same as the beaches in Pembrokeshire, so a few trips  were essential! I just feel so

Freshwater East

relaxed when I’m by the sea. Where I live, I don’t think you’re ever more than 30 mins from a beach which is so ideal! Now that my house is on sale and I unfortunately probably won’t be spending another summer in Wales, I really appreciate going home and where I live a lot more as I know I won’t be here for much longer. The 6 hour train journey is definitely worth it when you’re finally there. Pembrokeshire is a truly beautiful place and even when I leave I know I’ll be coming back all the time!

But yeah, that was my (a bit) boring but very relaxing reading week. I definitely could have stayed home for another week or so. I already cannot wait to go back again in 4 weeks for Christmas, to see everyone and celebrate my dreaded 20th birthday! But after that 6 hour train journey back actually drained me there is no way I’m looking forward to doing that again, but hopefully I won’t have too as my mum is halfway convinced to picking me up from uni so thanks for that one in advance mum!!

Freshwater West

Thoughts on my looming 20th

So, I am turning 20 in 2 months and I don’t feel ready for it. When I was younger I always thought people in their 20’s were actual old adults who had their life planned out. Now I’m there I realise that is not the case! I still feel/act like I’m 16 and I definitely don’t have a clue what I’m doing in terms of a life plan or just in general to be honest.

I know on my birthday I’ll probably still feel the same and there will be no dramatic turning point to leaving my teen years behind but I feel emotional about it.. I wish I could be a teenager forever, loved these few years so much, would easily go back and do it all again! Have so many amazing memories with lots of amazing people.. Feels so weird meeting some first years who have basically just turned 18, it makes me feel so old and jealous, I’d love to redo my 18th all over again (what I remember from it anyway)! So strange seeing everyone in my school year group turning 20 aswell, remember most of those people back in year 7 when we were like 12!

Unfortunately there are people who used to be in my life who either aren’t in it anymore or I’m not as close with which is sad because I thought they’d be in my life forever. But not everything works out that way, people drift away or grow up and life changes! To those people (you’d know who you are) I miss you as you played a part in making my teenage years very enjoyable ones.

I’ll probably be going into my 20s just sat in the living room with my mum and dad to be honest haha (with a glass of wine in hand of course) followed by Sands on the weekend obviously. Although I’m dreading it as I never want to grow up, I know I’ll be celebrating this mark surrounded by people I’m truly thankful to have in my life and I’ll be so glad to have them by me going into the next chapter of my life.

I’m an English Student!

Well, after the tragedy of a summer I had some decisions needed to be made! I came to the choice of doing a degree in English. Can’t lie I’d been missing English so much (weird I know) and I’ve always enjoyed it so much that I don’t know why I didn’t do it in the first place. I always had little doubts over the course of the year with Journalism yet I stuck it out and in the end my heart just wasn’t in it 100%. Doing a year of Journalism taught me so much and although it wasn’t for me, I don’t feel as if it was a waste of a year at all. I met some amazing people who I’ll miss not being able to see as much and learnt valuable knowledge/skills although I am extremely happy to say bye to shorthand!

I’m only 2 weeks into the English course but I feel so much happier already and like I’m where I need to be. I feel as though this course gives me a broader range of employment opportunities as well as there’s so many different routes to take which is better as I’m still not 100% sure on what I want to specialise in. Even though reading Dorian Gray makes me feel like I’m doing A-Level English all over again, I’m looking forward to the rest of this year!

I thought it’d be weird being a first year again and joining all the freshers, but I just feel like a fresher again myself to be honest haha! I’m not bothered about the fact I’ll have to graduate a year later than expected because I’m finally doing something that makes me happy. I started off first year (round 2) the right way, going to the Student Garden Party with all my favourite people. So, here’s too seeing what the rest of this year brings! For now, it’s back to the life of reading, annotating and analysing thousands of books.