The C Word… in 2020, which one is it?
I’m not writing a post about the new C word in the vocabulary coronavirus instead I’m going to talk about the other dreaded C word..
Cancer.
Most of us will know someone personally who has been affected by this dreadful disease that robs so many peoples lives, both old and young.
This is a word that personally for me, I think I used to be scared of. Just the word itself still gives me a little fear and a lump in the throat feeling. So now, for a little story time of my journey with this word…
It was mid-lockdown (the worst time for this to happen) and I was about to go sleep one night and discovered a lump (between my breast and armpit).. I immediately go onto google aka the worst thing I could do and of course the one thing that comes up as the answer to anything is.. Cancer. Of course the only thing going round my head was lump = cancer. I jumped to conclusions in my head and was nearly in tears at the thought. Due to being in lockdown, seeing a doctor was extremely difficult, so I did all the online consultations which took time.
I feel like I spent every other minute of my time just feeling this lump on my body and started to examine past pictures of myself, wondering how long I had been living with it. Every time I went past a mirror I couldn’t help but just stare at it and let my eyes fill with tears. At this time the only people who knew were my mum and sister as I couldn’t bare to keep talking about what could be cancer. Relating that word to myself was just something I could not do or accept.
As I could not physically go into the doctors yet, I was waiting for them to refer me to a specialist but as time went on and I lived with this lump, I slowly began to think if it is cancer, what can I do? I have the lump now and I can’t do anything about it. I psyched myself up in my head to whatever will be, will be. If it is what I dread and am scared of, I will face it head on and get through it.
When we were starting to come out of lockdown, my referral finally came but when I saw it was to a place called The Nightingale Centre which is a specialist breast cancer prevention centre, I immediately panicked and got scared..
“Do they think I have breast cancer?”
In the lead up to my appointment, I had a lump in my throat the whole time and it was only then that I could accept the C word and realised, if I do or don’t have cancer, I will handle it when the time comes. The day of my appointment was beautiful and sunny, and I was so anxious as I sat in the Uber on my way there. The Nightingale is a lovely centre in Manchester and I sat there alone surrounded by signs and posters all about breast cancer, getting ready for someone to tell me something that could ultimately change my life. I don’t know if it comforted me or what, that there was many other women there of all ages in similar positions to myself.
After being there for about an hour having scans, ultrasounds the lot. I got told that I did not have cancer but it was a lump that was nothing to be worried about at all. When they told me, I immediately welled up with tears. I feel I already prepared myself in my head to be told bad news. I rung my mum straight afterwards to tell her nearly in tears and she was so relieved. I travelled home with a new gratitude and enjoyed a drink outside feeling so thankful for life, that my day could have gone completely differently.
My message through this cancer scare is whatever the lump no matter how big or small – GET IT CHECKED, don’t leave it and hope the problem will go away. Check your bodies in the shower or whenever ladies and lads.
Have a good feel!!
X
Ellen Anjali 